Five Steps to Being Okay When Circumstances Are Not Okay
Dear friends,
Whether it is deep concerns about the state of the world or some kind of personal, professional, financial, or health challenge, or a combination of each, everyone is feeling it these days.
In this letter, I’m sharing five steps to being okay even when the circumstances are not okay.
First of all, we need to remember that it is completely okay to not be okay.
It is completely human to be hurting, to be grieving, to feel sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, anxious, lost, confused, and afraid. It doesn’t matter how high your position is in the world, you are allowed to be a human being and feel pain.
When someone breaks their leg, we don’t expect them to put on a smile and run a marathon the next day.
But when someone is in pain mentally or emotionally, society does not offer the same level of understanding, compassion, or patience.
It makes many people walk around with shame and guilt on top of the hurt that they are already experiencing. And it often pressures individuals to abandon themselves and make poor decisions just to keep up appearances, which only creates more problems in the long-run.
We need to start being more real and compassionate with ourselves and with each other.
So the first and the most crucial step to being okay when the circumstances are not okay is acceptance.
Let yourself not be okay. Stop judging yourself and making yourself wrong for not being okay. Accept the season of life that you are in right now and know that all seasons pass.
Once you do that, and you are able to give yourself permission to fully embrace this human experience, amazingly, it creates the space for you to take gentle steps towards improving your internal state even when life looks like a giant mess externally.
Step 2: Let yourself feel how you feel. Don’t get tempted to distract yourself and avoid the uncomfortable emotions that may be coming up for you. The healthiest way past these emotions is to move through them. So breathe and give yourself permission to FEEL. Don’t judge yourself and have that big cry or as many as you need. Ride the waves and hold yourself gently. It could also help to journal about how you are feeling. For more guidance on this step, please listen to my podcast conversation with Harvard Medical School psychologist, Dr. Susan David (here).
Step 3: Lean into faith. Trust that regardless of your circumstances, you will be provided with the strength, support, resources, and guidance to grow from it and persevere. So even if it feels impossible, even if all around you is full of darkness, have faith that you are the light and that you will find your way. Deep in the quiet center of your being, you have access to guidance and wisdom that will help you out of the darkest of tunnels. Moving through Steps 1 and 2 can help you better settle into this space and listen more deeply to your inner being. Ask for the guidance that you need in this moment and take it one moment at a time.
Step 4: Lean on others. Having the right people in your corner can make a significant difference in your ability to move through challenging circumstances more smoothly. Consider asking for support from a mentor, advisor, and/or a mental health professional that you feel aligned with. And/or reach out to people in your life that you trust and feel safe with. Odds are, they are struggling with something too and perhaps you can offer to support one another. Remember, you are a human being so please have compassion for yourself and give yourself permission to receive help, to be held, and to be supported.
Step 5: Take small daily actions to support yourself. Regardless of your circumstances, show up for yourself consistently, even if it is in the tiniest way possible. Here are three small actions that I have found to be transformative - aim to do them daily:
Write down one thing that you feel grateful for in your life and really connect with the feeling of gratitude: “Today, what I feel grateful for in my life is…”
Write down one thing that you appreciate about yourself: “Today, what I appreciate about myself is…”
Do one thing that supports your nervous system and feels really easy for you to do - make it as small and as simple as possible. For example, go for a 15 minute walk, take five deep breaths, have a nutritious meal, meditate for 10 minutes, or call a friend. Take one small loving action that feels good and nourishing to you today.
These actions may not sound like much, but they will add up over time and make a significant difference in your overall wellbeing and your ability to move through the waves and storms of life.
(I have also laid out Step 5 for you in The GOLD Journal, where you can follow the 10-minutes/day prompts for an extra boost, here.)
As you take these steps and keep showing up for yourself on a daily basis, you will better be able to show up for others and take aligned actions that improve your external circumstances and our world.
In fact, if more people (especially those in positions of power) took the time to feel and process their pain instead of acting them out, the world would be a much safer and more peaceful place.
So always remember:
Taking care of your internal state is the best gift you can give yourself and everyone you impact.
May you be well and may you thrive.
With love and gratitude,
Maliheh