The Leader’s Guide to Processing and Overcoming Negative Feedback
Dear Friends,
We all need feedback to improve, but let’s face it, getting feedback that is unfavorable doesn’t always feel good and we’ve all been there.
It can lead to a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism on top of the external criticism we just received. We may also feel discouraged, it could lead us to shut down and even end up getting completely derailed. This can be even worse for women as research has shown that we are more likely to internalize negative feedback than men. Unfortunately, women are also more likely to be recipients of criticism and feedback that is more personal and less constructive.
But this can’t deter us. Negative feedback is unavoidable, especially if we are breaking ground, challenging norms, and changing the status quo. No matter how careful and considerate we are, some people are going to resist change and we won’t be able to please everyone - nor should we try to. Additionally, if we are pioneers in uncharted waters, the path forward is not always clear, and “mistakes” can happen (we are human after all), which could invite negative feedback.
Sometimes the negative feedback is well-meaning and can be constructive, sometimes it is delivered poorly and hurtfully, sometimes it comes from the sender’s own insecurities or resistance, and sometimes it comes from ignorance, bias, or hate.
I’ve definitely received my fair share of negative feedback as I’ve always had the tendency to go against what was expected of me, and the same goes for most of my clients. So I’m going to share with you my top practices to help you stay open and continue to thrive as you turn negative feedback into stepping stones for success.
Here we go!
First and foremost, remember that your self-worth must always be safe and secure with you. Do not let yourself be defined by your work, your productivity, your career, your accomplishments, your social situation, your income, your status, your followers, your appearance, or anything external. Don’t give outside forces and voices the power to alter how you value yourself. Your worth needs to be derived internally and by deeply connecting with your inner being. Know and remember that while you continue to grow and evolve, your worth as a human being can always be internally safe and secure.
Secondly, and I can’t say this enough: You’ve got to be self-compassionate! You need to create internal safety and know that no matter what the external world tells you or how harsh they are “out there”, you’ll be kind and gentle with yourself “in here.” It is about treating and speaking to yourself like a child or friend you adore. This doesn’t mean that you don’t acknowledge your current circumstances and live in denial. In fact, it is the opposite. Being self-compassionate could sound like: “I know people are not accepting of what I’m doing right now (or I know I made a mistake, I’m human and I’m allowed to make mistakes). I choose to be kind to myself as I learn and grow from this.” (For more, listen to my podcast conversation with Dr. Kristin Neff, the pioneer in self-compassion research.)
Let yourself FEEL whatever emotions are coming up for you. Frustration? Disappointment? Fear? Anxiety? Sadness? A mix? Feel them all. As I’ve mentioned before, you are not your emotions. You want to feel your emotions to release them, not wallow in them or act on them in unproductive ways. They are just emotions and can be uncomfortable, but you are capacious enough to feel them and breathe through them. The emotions just want to be acknowledged, and journaling about how you are feeling can help you process them more easily. (For more, listen to my podcast conversation with Dr. Susan David, Harvard Medical School Psychologist, and author of Emotional Agility.)
Set some boundaries and give yourself a grace period to get grounded. Resist the temptation to respond and react immediately. Breathe. Give yourself a little time and space to regroup and for the dust to settle so you can see the situation more clearly - even if it is just 10 minutes of getting quiet and going inward. If you are being pushed to respond, you can always say something like: “I appreciate your patience as I take a little time to give this feedback the attention it deserves. I want to make sure that I respond in a thoughtful manner.”
Process the feedback from a place of curiosity, not judgment. Every experience brings opportunities for growth, so release your judgments about yourself and who you are receiving the feedback from and get curious about what you can learn from the feedback–if anything. The lessons may be about the experience of receiving this feedback and how it was delivered rather than the actual feedback itself. Get curious and extract as many lessons as you can. Sharing with your trusted circle of advisors can also help you process the feedback from different perspectives and use the insights to fuel your growth. This brings me to my next point:
Use the lessons to fuel your growth and impact. The implementation strategies here would depend on the lessons provided by the feedback and the experience. Ideally, you’ll want to apply the lessons to improve mindsets and/or behaviors in a productive way. Some experimentation and adaptation may also be necessary. Start with taking small steps and continue learning and modifying your approach and application as needed.
Appropriately respond to the feedback. Obviously, your response would highly depend on the context and the feedback. Remember that no response is also a response and that is always an option and at times, the healthiest one. If you do want to respond directly, generally speaking, I would recommend crafting your response with as much kindness and compassion as possible. There is a Persian saying from Rumi that I grew up with: “az mohabbat kharha gol mishavad”, “with loving kindness, thorns bloom into flowers”. That’s something I try to live by, but you need to trust yourself to respond in a way that is constructive and feels right for you and your situation.
I hope these practices help you whenever you encounter any negative feedback.
Negative feedback comes with the territory, especially if you are a woman and working to create real change in the world. So make sure to get proactive about creating internal security and safety, cultivating your inner peace, emotional agility, and a growth mindset and you’ll be unstoppable!
I know it may sound like a lot of additional things are being asked of you, but you don’t have to embody all of these practices overnight. Be gentle with yourself–remember? You are building your resilience muscles and they can take time. Start small and for now, keep this letter as a reference for whenever you need these reminders.
Also, let’s please remember to be kind, compassionate, and constructive when we give feedback to one another. Let’s try to lift each other up, encourage, and support one another–more on this and on providing feedback in future letters.
For now, let’s keep on learning, growing, and shining!
Onwards and upwards!
Maliheh