Four Keys to Embodying Self-Compassion
Dear friends,
Today, I’m sharing essential insights on a topic that is very close to my heart: self-compassion. Recently, a dear friend courageously opened up about his struggles with self-compassion. He also described facing an "insurmountable wall" due to decades of programming and conditioning that has led him to be extremely critical and cruel to himself.
His experience resonated so much with my past struggles, and I know that being kind to ourselves is something that most people find incredibly challenging.
However, just because being unkind and overly critical of ourselves is a common condition, it doesn’t mean that it is a healthy one. Developing a healthy relationship with ourselves, where we feel safe, seen, heard, held, understood, valued, appreciated, and nurtured within ourselves, is the most important investment we could ever make. It impacts our nervous system, our mental health, physical health, overall wellbeing, and our capacity to grow, reach our goals with joy, fulfill our real purpose, and build healthy relationships outside of ourselves. It forms the basis for how authentically we can show up in the world, and how we love, parent, create, and lead.
The practice of self-compassion is a powerful gateway into healing our relationship with ourselves and I dive into how to thrive with self-compassion and the ins and outs of the practice in my podcast conversation with renowned psychologist and the pioneer in self-compassion research, Dr. Kristin Neff - you can listen to it here.
In this letter, I want to share four essential keys you need to overcome the “insurmountable wall” of old programming and embrace self-compassion today. Let’s dive in!
Recognize the itty bitty shitty committee. We all have internalized voices from our past experiences, caretakers, teachers, and social programming and they just love to constantly let us know how we are not enough, screwing up, and falling short. You may think that this committee of inner critics is necessary to push you and challenge you and to keep you on track, but would you ever be this way with a friend or child that you adore? I hope not. The itty bitty shitty committee is scaring you (and some would say abusing you) into obedience instead of nourishing and guiding you into becoming the most powerful and expansive version of yourself. Start to observe your thoughts and recognize when the itty bitty shitty committee has been activated (in my case, it used to be all day every day!). Know that you are not your thoughts. You are the conscious awareness that has the capacity to witness thoughts. Developing the capacity to distinguish between the real you and the itty bitty shitty committee is essential to healing your internal environment and practicing self-compassion. Having a consistent meditation practice will help you train your mind and access this space more and more over time. Start with just 10 minutes a day, and start today!
Understand and direct your inner critics. Here is the good news: your inner critics are actually trying to keep you safe. They are not your enemy, they are scared for you and have very limited tools to communicate with you. As a result, their way of communicating is usually through fear. They will scare and demoralize you into obedience and being stuck repeating old patterns (even if those old patterns are limiting you) because they are familiar, therefore, predictable and to them: safe. Now that you know this, when you notice the itty bitty shitty committee chime in, you can turn towards them like you would turn to a real committee. You don’t need to fight or argue with them. Your job is to thank them for sharing and let them know that their concerns are heard and taken into consideration, and reassure them that you will do everything you can to protect yourself and grow as you keep taking a step forward. Now, instead of letting the itty bitty shitty committee take over and run the show, you are showing up as the powerful leader that you are and steering the way.
Forget about dismantling and focus on building. Don’t overwhelm yourself by believing you need to dismantle decades (and possibly generations) of programming. This will keep you stuck. Instead, focus on building the new and nurturing neural pathways that lead you to meet yourself with kindness, just like you would meet a child or friend that you adore. The more you focus on building new programming and neglecting the old, the more the old will start to break down and become obsolete on its own. This isn’t about denying old traumas and programming by the way. It is about how you choose to show up for yourself right now. In fact, as you build this new foundation and start to feel safer with yourself, old unresolved traumas may finally have the space to come to the surface to be healed. And each time they are met with your presence, curiosity, compassion, and acknowledgement, you will release more of the old programming and fortify your new path even more. So release the need to dismantle the old way of being and start walking towards being kind to yourself right now.
Make it simple for yourself. The transition to embodying self-compassion will obviously take some time, but it doesn’t need to be complicated. You already know how to be kind to others, you just need to consistently practice turning that kindness inwards until it becomes your normal way of being. Take tiny small steps every day and trust that over time, these steps will compound. I recommend listening to a guided self-compassion or metta meditation daily (there are many on youtube, here is an example) and spending a few minutes with The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. Your journey is unique to you so start with what resonates and feels accessible to you. Make it simple and commit to consistently showing up for yourself with kindness every single day.
Remember, you're not alone on this journey and that this is the most important work you’ll ever do. You are worth the effort and you deserve to feel safe and supported within yourself. Keep going and encourage others to join as well.
I also want to take a moment to express how proud I am of my friend for having the courage to start this journey. Even though I mostly use my voice to talk about women’s struggles, I have so much compassion for men, especially those who are suffering in silence. While men have a lot of privileges in our world, it is rare that they experience the types of vulnerable and emotionally safe spaces we women tend to create with each other in our friendships and communities.
May more and more men find the courage to do the inner work and create safe spaces to support their healing.
And may we all continue to practice self-compassion and thrive!
With love and gratitude,
Maliheh