Why Women Struggle to Receive (And No, It Is Not Their Fault)

My dear friends,

A theme that has been coming up in my conversations and work lately is the fact that so many women struggle to receive, whether this has to do with receiving money, opportunities, help, support, love, gifts, compliments, or even rest, food, and proper nourishment.

Sadly, we are typically quick to place the burden on women to “fix” this within themselves.

And yes, while there are strategies and practices that we can employ to improve on this, I would argue that the main issue isn’t with women struggling to receive, but with how society is programmed to take from women.

When women are expected to give so much of themselves just to receive some acknowledgment, appreciation, opportunities, or support, of course they will struggle with receiving.

Receiving can feel like just another setup for more taxing mental, emotional, or physical labor.

When women are expected to center everyone else’s comfort and convenience and not their own wellbeing and thriving, of course women will struggle to receive.

Receiving feels selfish, as though a woman is taking from or even betraying others she cares about.

When women are used to being met with disappointment, judgment, social sanctions, anger, or even rage and violence, when they choose to say “no” and to not constantly give, of course they would struggle with giving less and receiving more.

Receiving feels scary and dangerous.

When women are used to their receiving being tied to manipulation, control, exploitation, and more expectations, of course they would struggle with receiving.

Receiving feels unsafe.

The problem isn’t with women not knowing how to receive. The problem is how society feels entitled to take from women.

The problem is how society values and glorifies women who are over-givers and martyrs and demonizes women who have boundaries and choose to give in a more healthy and balanced way.

The problem is how society doesn’t know how to give freely to women without strings, conditions, judgements, or expectations attached.

The problem is how society doesn’t truly value women’s health, safety, freedom, and joy.

Again, the problem isn’t with women not knowing how to receive. The problem is that society has not made it safe for them to do so.

Yes, women need to do some healing in order to allow themselves to receive more, but this is quite difficult when we live in a world that doesn’t support this healing and tries to extract from women at every turn.

Women struggle to receive when they, whether consciously or unconsciously, are protecting themselves. Protecting themselves from either the internal pressures, judgement, guilt, and shame, or the external judgments, expectations, and demands.

Sadly, the most heartbreaking part of all of this is that it is often fellow women who are judging and shaming one another the most.

Because deep down, we long to receive freely and with joy, and when another woman does so unapologetically, it triggers our own wounds.

We gang up on her, instead of ganging up on the collective trauma many of us have inherited.

Show me a woman who feels truly safe in her body, mind, and society, and is deeply at peace with herself, and I’ll show you a woman who can enjoy receiving. She also joyfully celebrates when other women receive as well.

Unfortunately, these women are not the majority. They were either extremely lucky in their life experiences or have had to walk through fire after fire of burning away layer after layer of societal conditioning from their minds and nervous systems.

Why should it take extreme luck or walking through fires for women to feel safe to receive?

Why shouldn’t we create a world where we make it possible for women to receive with safety and joy?

I gently pose these questions to all of us this month. If you feel called, you are welcome to write back and share what comes up for you. I am here to listen and would love to receive your experiences and reflections.

And if you are a woman who struggles to receive, I send you so much love. Please be assured that you are not alone. And while it is going to take us a minute to upgrade society, here are some things you can begin doing today to create positive shifts in your experience:

Start practicing with receiving from yourself: your own presence, your own kindness, your own care, and your own appreciation.

Start giving to yourself, even if all you can manage now is five minutes in the morning to sit with your breath, give yourself a hug, and write down just one thing you appreciate about yourself — you might find The GOLD Journal a gentle place to begin.

This all might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, you’ll see how thirsty you are to receive more. Quench that thirst with self-compassion and giving to yourself as often as you can.

You are worthy of receiving freely and joyfully. And the more women understand, expect, and allow this, the more society will be pushed to catch up too.

So here is to more women receiving with joy and celebrating when others do the same,

And here is to more women receiving and thriving – including you,

With love,

Maliheh